jude.love

I can’t begin to express to everyone how much your words of support and encouragement have meant to me over the past few days. I spent the day receiving texts, phone calls, and emails of love and support and it truly lifted my spirit. I’ve loved reading about every memory, hearing every story, and being reminded how my dad touched more lives than just mine. This year marks year 5 I’ve had to live without him as a part of my life. I read somewhere that when you lose someone it never gets easier, you just continue to mourn the fact that this person who was such a huge part of your life is missing every new memory. Every big event from here on out is without them. There are many moments a day where I feel this way-just heartbroken for the loss 5 years ago, and for the next 50 years to come.

Yesterday though I was given a small gift to ease this feeling. I don’t know if everyone’s high school does this or not, but mine was small, tiny even. I graduated with 20 students and so every year there is a Baccalaureate service where each senior picks someone influential in there life to give them a charge the week before graduation. I chose Dad. I’ve pretty much made it a tradition of watching the video every year on September 20th in the 5 years since his death, and this year it’s like I heard parts for the very first time. You know that saying (thank you husband for reminding me of this) where a guy reads a book when he’s 15 and thinks it ok, then he reads it when he’s 25 and loves it, then he reads it again at 35 and it’s his favorite book, then again at 45 and it’s the most inspiring/moving book he’s ever read, and so on? That’s how I felt yesterday watching my Dad’s charge to me. I always remembered him talking about how not to let my people-pleasing ways take over my life and such (not the most eloquent description of his charge but that was one point in short), but I’d never really heard his second main charge to me. He told me that he always knew I had a big heart and that he and mom and daniel all knew what it was like to be loved by me and it was a wonderful feeling. Then he said that life was going to try and take that love away with all it’s hardships and for me to never “let my love run dry.” It was like he just sat me down on the couch and had a talk with me about everything going on in my life. For just a moment, I felt my dad again. Things are hard, but Dad I promise to not let my love run dry.